Swamp
Confessions of an Academic Pseudo-Giraffe
16.2.06
“There is a Problem”
A British doctor has written a book on his experiences in Uganda. It is called The Man with the Key has Gone. I have little idea as to the exact contents of the book, but I do honestly believe I know what the title refers to. I assume it conveys the same phenomenon as the line I’ve heard so often in the past 15 months: “There is a problem”.
As far as my personal experience goes, the clause was only elevated to the status of a true slogan on New Year’s Eve in Zanzibar, when a waiter delivered it in the past tense, along with our dinner bill torn in half. But that, in explicitly referring to a minor flaw, was an exceptional use of the magic clause. As it is commonly used by people in the service sector, the slogan is not so much a simple statement as a performative speech act or a denial of responsibility, decodable as “I hereby declare that, despite ample information to the contrary, x cannot be done, and that this matter calls for no further explanation or action on my part”. It is often followed by a blank stare or a compassion-seeking smile.
There are lots of phrases, such as the title of the book mentioned, that work in this manner in specific situations. However, they are all mere passing substitutions for the umbrella expression “There is/was a problem”. John, the guy who cleans our house, has used the generic version in the following meanings, among others: ‘Tiles just fell off the wall’; ‘The nightguard broke a plate’; ‘The fridge stopped working’; ‘We have no power’ (this has now become all too common to even constitute a “problem”); ‘I dropped your x/y/z’; ‘There is no more cat food’; ‘The roof was leaking’.
We spent last weekend on Bulago Island on Lake Victoria. It’s something like a luxury resort, with western-standard price levels and all. But it is not above the laws of Sub-Saharan (human) nature. The brochure advertises, for example, canoeing, horse riding, and fishing. So there were inquiries on these activities, and consequently the familiar lament was this time heard in such uncommon forms as “There are no worms” and “The horses are running wild”. There were four of us who wanted to go paddling together, and we were told we could choose from three different canoes. A couple of guys introduced these to us. As it turned out, one was way too big, and another one inspired a fairly straightforward version of the proverbial clause: “The boat is leaking”. Well, the guys said we could take it anyway; we just couldn’t go out of sight. Then, upon seeing that the canoe was sinking, they could come and pick us up with the motorboat.
We were not happy with the suggestion. In these bilharzia-infested waters, we preferred a canoe that was not likely to sink. So we thought we’d take the smallest one. It looked like it could accommodate the four of us. We made our intent known.
“Oh, that one’s got a problem”.
We decided to enjoy a walk around the island. 08:14
As far as my personal experience goes, the clause was only elevated to the status of a true slogan on New Year’s Eve in Zanzibar, when a waiter delivered it in the past tense, along with our dinner bill torn in half. But that, in explicitly referring to a minor flaw, was an exceptional use of the magic clause. As it is commonly used by people in the service sector, the slogan is not so much a simple statement as a performative speech act or a denial of responsibility, decodable as “I hereby declare that, despite ample information to the contrary, x cannot be done, and that this matter calls for no further explanation or action on my part”. It is often followed by a blank stare or a compassion-seeking smile.
There are lots of phrases, such as the title of the book mentioned, that work in this manner in specific situations. However, they are all mere passing substitutions for the umbrella expression “There is/was a problem”. John, the guy who cleans our house, has used the generic version in the following meanings, among others: ‘Tiles just fell off the wall’; ‘The nightguard broke a plate’; ‘The fridge stopped working’; ‘We have no power’ (this has now become all too common to even constitute a “problem”); ‘I dropped your x/y/z’; ‘There is no more cat food’; ‘The roof was leaking’.
We spent last weekend on Bulago Island on Lake Victoria. It’s something like a luxury resort, with western-standard price levels and all. But it is not above the laws of Sub-Saharan (human) nature. The brochure advertises, for example, canoeing, horse riding, and fishing. So there were inquiries on these activities, and consequently the familiar lament was this time heard in such uncommon forms as “There are no worms” and “The horses are running wild”. There were four of us who wanted to go paddling together, and we were told we could choose from three different canoes. A couple of guys introduced these to us. As it turned out, one was way too big, and another one inspired a fairly straightforward version of the proverbial clause: “The boat is leaking”. Well, the guys said we could take it anyway; we just couldn’t go out of sight. Then, upon seeing that the canoe was sinking, they could come and pick us up with the motorboat.
We were not happy with the suggestion. In these bilharzia-infested waters, we preferred a canoe that was not likely to sink. So we thought we’d take the smallest one. It looked like it could accommodate the four of us. We made our intent known.
“Oh, that one’s got a problem”.
We decided to enjoy a walk around the island. 08:14
9.2.06
The silverback we saw last Saturday weighs about 250 kilos. But not all mountain gorillas are so awfully big. 08:40
2.2.06
This is a stolen photo, but I saw this weird thing on Monday. We were slowly gliding through a papyrus swamp on the edge of Lake Victoria, and there it was. The shoebill stork. It's huge. And we saw it catch a lungfish, after it first just stood there, completely immobile, for quite a while.
On Saturday, it's time for another very rare animal, an even bigger one. The mountain gorillas in Bwindi Impenetrable Forest. 08:50
